Limericks

Apr 13, 2019
Originally published on April 13, 2019 11:49 am
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT - that's 1-888-924-8924 - or click the contact us link on our website. That's waitwait.npr.org. You can there find out about attending our weekly live shows back at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows in St. Louis on May 9 and July 18 at the Blossom Music Center in Ohio. And if you want to experience the thrill of our show without the hassle of listening to it, check out...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Our new interactive quiz for your smart speaker. Just say open the Wait Wait Quiz, and Bill and I will be there to ask you some fill-in-the-blank questions. You can even win the voice of your choice on your voicemail.

Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

T J: Hey. This is T.J. (ph) calling in from Waterbury, Vt.

SAGAL: Hey. Waterbury is a great place. What do you do there?

T J: I groom ski trails for Sugar Bush terrain parks.

SAGAL: You're - so you're a ski guy. That's cool.

T J: I'm a snowboarder. But yeah, we're up there every night just laying down corduroy for the people.

SAGAL: That's really cool. You sound like a snowboarder. I'm just going to go there.

(LAUGHTER)

ALONZO BODDEN: I just want to ask - you live in Vermont. If you had a million dollars...

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: ...What would you do with it up there?

T J: Oh, man. I'd probably buy 400,000 snowboards.

SAGAL: Yeah, I was about to say.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: All right.

MAEVE HIGGINS: Why wouldn't you just get one really big one, though?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, T.J., welcome to the show. Bill Kurtis is going to read for you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

T J: Yeah. Let's do it.

SAGAL: All right. Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: My pet is a bit of a brat. I'm the servant in his habitat. Those who own a sweet dog all live high on the hog. I feel lousy 'cause I have a...

T J: Cat.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Dog owners are happier than cat owners.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: It turns out it's been proven with a new survey showing how dog owners self-identify as very happy, whereas cat owners identify as very ow, why did it bite me again?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The survey found dog owners are happier than those with cats. The survey also found - and this is true - that people with cats are less happy than people who have no pets at all.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Now, that doesn't necessarily mean that cats make you unhappy. It may just be that cat owners are miserable losers for entirely different reasons.

(LAUGHTER)

NEGIN FARSAD: Can I just say #NotAllCats? Because...

(LAUGHTER)

FARSAD: I grew up with a really great cat that was basically like a dog. And now I have a dog, and there were like this - I can't even tell them apart. So just...

BODDEN: It's funny how cat people always say that.

SAGAL: Yeah, they always do.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: No, no. My cat is different. No, it's not.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

BODDEN: No, it's a cat.

SAGAL: Yeah. Here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: For podcasts, we've got an idea. A Swedish voice sleep panacea. Now HEMNES and MALM will help you stay calm. Our podcast reads names from...

T J: IKEA.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Do you need a new sleep aid? Is our show no longer doing it for you? Ikea is launching a podcast made to help people go to sleep...

FARSAD: Oh, my god.

SAGAL: ...That's what it's for - in which two Swedish men read the names of products...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...From the IKEA catalog, which is a great idea. It's much better than their original idea of reading from the illustrated assembly manual.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Because, like, I don't know, a man with a hammer is sad, and the corner of his table hurts. I...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: The podcast is advertised as a great way to help people fall asleep. And if you listen to a clip, you can hear why.

(SOUNDBITE OF PODCAST)

UNIDENTIFIED PERSON: BJORKSNAS - chest of five drawers. PUDERVIVA - queen quilt cover set.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Swedish people reading an Ikea catalogue is truly the definition of white noise.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: And if this isn't enough for you, you can turn into IKEA's next podcast from Guy Raz, How The Hell Do You Build This?

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: All right, T.J. Here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: On airplanes, the sound can be crushing when vacuum-sucked water is rushing. Since kids can be scared to use bathrooms mid-air, we have softened the noise of our...

T J: Flushing.

SAGAL: Flushing, right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Physicists are working to improve airplane travel but not by making sure your plane doesn't crash. No, they're trying to make sure the toilet isn't too loud. People have been complaining for years about the deafening roar of the airplane toilet flush, saying it terrifies children and masks the other bathroom sounds they do want to hear.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Apparently, designing a quieter mechanism that can function at high altitudes has been a challenge. But engineers have found a way to cut the noise of the flush by 16 decibels - you just put your fingers in your ears...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...Brace your elbows. Unfortunately, they haven't found a way to reduce the sound of the guy in the seat next to you who can't hear himself farting because his headphones are on.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did T.J. do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Three and 0 - did very, very well.

SAGAL: Congratulations, T.J.

(APPLAUSE)

T J: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thanks so much for playing.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "LET'S GET LOUD")

JENNIFER LOPEZ: (Singing) Let's get loud. Turn the music up to hear that sound. Let's get loud. Let's get loud. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.