Hold Me Close, Tiny Glucose

Feb 21, 2020

Unofficial Expert podcast hosts Marie Faustin and Sydnee Washington put their confectionery knowledge to the test in this delectable music parody game where every answer is a dessert.

Heard on Ben Sinclair: High Maintenance And The Battle Of The Podcast Stars.

Copyright 2020 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

JONATHAN COULTON: This is NPR's ASK ME ANOTHER. I'm Jonathan Coulton. Now here's your host, Ophira Eisenberg.

(APPLAUSE)

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

Thanks, Jonathan. This week, it's battle of the podcast stars. And before the break, we met the co-hosts of the podcast "The Unofficial Expert," Marie Faustin and Sydnee Washington. Let's check in with our contestants. Marie, last year, you went to London, Amsterdam, Paris, parts of Switzerland.

MARIE FAUSTIN: Yep.

EISENBERG: How long were you traveling?

FAUSTIN: I was gone for three weeks. I took a solo trip through Europe. I called it my eat, pray, ho.

EISENBERG: Nice.

(LAUGHTER)

FAUSTIN: And I had a great time (laughter).

EISENBERG: Yeah.

FAUSTIN: And I discovered that I hate traveling by myself.

(LAUGHTER)

SYDNEE WASHINGTON: She missed me. That's what that was.

FAUSTIN: I'm not good at it.

WASHINGTON: Yeah.

FAUSTIN: I like - I need somebody to, like, make fun of people with in English. And...

(LAUGHTER)

WASHINGTON: That's me.

FAUSTIN: Yeah. So I wanted to come back.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Sydnee, every time I see you, I always compliment your clothes.

WASHINGTON: Oh, thank you.

EISENBERG: You clearly have a great eye for style. I know that's a crazy thing to say on a audio recording, but there you go.

WASHINGTON: But they can see it here, right?

EISENBERG: They can see it. They can see it.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: What is your - I know you like - you were saying that you like spending money.

WASHINGTON: I do.

EISENBERG: Yeah. What are you spending money on right now?

WASHINGTON: I like coats.

EISENBERG: That's a lot to store, though. Yeah, you figured that. All right, fine.

WASHINGTON: Yeah.

EISENBERG: Immediately, I get pragmatic on it. So...

WASHINGTON: Yes.

EISENBERG: And what's your favorite item of this - of your coat line currently? Winter, perfect for coats.

WASHINGTON: I like faux fur.

EISENBERG: Sure. Me too.

WASHINGTON: Vegan.

(CHEERING)

EISENBERG: Yeah.

FAUSTIN: (Laughter).

WASHINGTON: Crowd favorite, yeah.

FAUSTIN: They're too weak to clap.

(LAUGHTER)

FAUSTIN: Eat a burger.

(LAUGHTER)

WASHINGTON: My rude friend over here.

EISENBERG: Yep. So your next game is a music parody called Hold Me Close, Tiny Glucose. Sydnee, stay in the lead, and you are in the final round. Marie, you need to get more points, or you have to pretend to be satisfied by one square of dark chocolate.

FAUSTIN: Ew.

EISENBERG: Yeah, exactly.

COULTON: We rewrote songs with the word sweet in their titles and made them about sweet treats. So just ring in to identify the sweet treat I'm singing about. If you get that right, for a bonus point, you can give me the original title of the song I ruined or the artist who made it famous. You ready?

FAUSTIN: Yep.

COULTON: (Singing) Sweet crystalline. Like a geode, but it's sweet. Not from a mine. Makes my teeth hurt when I eat.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Sydnee.

WASHINGTON: Did you say Crystal Light in the beginning?

COULTON: Crystalline, crystalline. Like a geode, but it's sweet.

FAUSTIN: Did you say geode?

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: I said crystalline. And then later, I said geode.

FAUSTIN: What's the - what word?

WASHINGTON: Yeah.

FAUSTIN: What's that word that you're saying? It's...

COULTON: Which one? Crystalline or geode?

FAUSTIN: Alexa.

(LAUGHTER)

FAUSTIN: Girl, help me out (laughter). Yeah, we going to have to pass.

WASHINGTON: Yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

WASHINGTON: My friend knows me. We don't know this.

FAUSTIN: We don't know this.

WASHINGTON: Yes.

EISENBERG: Do you know when you go to - have you ever been in, like, a really kind of fancy coffee place or whatever that instead of giving you sugar with your coffee, they give you one of these?

WASHINGTON: Oh, a sugar stick? Like, a rock candy?

COULTON: Rock candy is correct.

WASHINGTON: Boom baby. (Singing) Boom, baby, boom.

COULTON: Sydnee, for a bonus point, can you name the song or the artist?

FAUSTIN: (Laughter).

WASHINGTON: (Singing) "Sweet Caroline."

COULTON: Yeah, that's right. Neil Diamond.

(APPLAUSE)

WASHINGTON: Y'all know y'all love that. Yes.

(CHEERING, LAUGHTER)

FAUSTIN: That's your anthem.

WASHINGTON: That's - they get married to that song.

(LAUGHTER)

WASHINGTON: They play that at weddings, funerals, baby showers.

(LAUGHTER)

FAUSTIN: They stop whatever they doing and run to the dance floor.

WASHINGTON: So that they can dance what? Offbeat.

FAUSTIN: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Here's your next one.

(Singing) Candy ball. It's not small. I really want to bite you. I bid my mandible adieu. I only got myself to blame 'cause the warnings in your name.

FAUSTIN: Oh.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Yeah, Marie.

FAUSTIN: Ooh, a jawbreaker.

COULTON: Jawbreaker, you got it.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

COULTON: And for a bonus point, can you name the song or artist?

FAUSTIN: You know I can't.

(LAUGHTER)

FAUSTIN: That ain't my music.

COULTON: That was...

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: That was "My Sweet Lord" by George Harrison. Although we also would have accepted The Chiffons because George Harrison plagiarized their song "He's So Fine."

FAUSTIN: Oh. Yeah, I was going to guess The Chiffons, but...

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: All right, here's another one.

(Singing) Flat and thin like a bandana. Bringing on my sugar trance. Put Nutella and banana in this pancake made in France.

FAUSTIN: Ooh.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Sydnee.

WASHINGTON: A Belgian waffle.

COULTON: I'm sorry. It's a fine guess, but that's not what we're looking for. Marie, do you know the answer?

FAUSTIN: Is it a crepe?

COULTON: It is a crepe. That's right.

EISENBERG: Crepe.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Bonus point if you can name the song or the artist.

WASHINGTON: That was "Sweet Home Alabama."

COULTON: Yeah, that's right - Lynyrd Skynyrd.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Here's another one.

(Singing) Whipped cream on top of these citrus tart delicacies. Made with the fruit from the Florida Keys. Everybody's diner dessert pick.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Marie.

FAUSTIN: Key lime pie?

COULTON: Key lime pie is correct.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Bonus point if you can name the song or the artist.

FAUSTIN: (Singing) Sweet dreams are made of this. I don't know who sings that though.

COULTON: Yeah, that's right.

WASHINGTON: Demi Moore...

COULTON: Eurythmics, that's right.

WASHINGTON: ...Sings it, right?

FAUSTIN: Demi Moore?

COULTON: Demi Moore.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Probably sometimes she does.

FAUSTIN: I think it's Demi Lovato.

WASHINGTON: No. In "Striptease," didn't she...

FAUSTIN: Sure. I don't know. I didn't see that movie.

WASHINGTON: The - OK.

FAUSTIN: Was she in "Striptease?"

WASHINGTON: Yeah.

FAUSTIN: No, it was the other girl from "Saved By The Bell."

WASHINGTON: No, that's "Showgirls."

(LAUGHTER)

WASHINGTON: Another white woman.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: It's like you guys are playing a trivia game we've not written yet.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: All right. This is your last clue.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) Cereal butter and melted marshmallow. Oh. Snap, crackle, pop. Bake sale donation for lazy dads. Oh. Snap, crackle, pop.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Marie.

FAUSTIN: Wow. Rice Krispie treat.

COULTON: Yeah, that's right.

(CHEERING, APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Yeah.

COULTON: Bonus point if you can name the song or the artist.

FAUSTIN: Ooh, I wasn't really listening.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: That was "Sweetest Thing" by U2.

FAUSTIN: Yes.

EISENBERG: After two games, Marie is going to the final round.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.