Limericks

Jun 8, 2019
Originally published on June 8, 2019 2:14 pm
Copyright 2019 NPR. To see more, visit https://www.npr.org.

PETER SAGAL, HOST:

Coming up, it's Lightning Fill In The Blank. But first, it's the game where you have to listen for the rhyme. If you'd like to play on air, call or leave a message at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. You can click the Contact Us link on our website, waitwait.npr.org. There, you can find out about attending our weekly live shows right here at the Chase Bank Auditorium in Chicago and our upcoming shows - ready? - June 27 at the Mann Center in Philadelphia, Pa., July 18 at the Blossom Music Center near Cleveland, located within Cuyahoga National Park. And forget Maz. Be your own panelist with our smart speaker quiz. He's going to be dead soon, anyway.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Answer questions about the news, and you may win a prize. Just say, open the Wait Wait Quiz to your Alexa or Google home device and let the games begin. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT... DON'T TELL ME.

JOSH SCARBROUGH: Hi, this is Josh from Asheville, N.C.

SAGAL: I love Asheville, and I have not been there in too long.

(CHEERING)

SAGAL: What do you do there in Asheville?

SCARBROUGH: I'm in contractor sales at a building supply company.

SAGAL: Oh, so you're selling the stuff that the contractors use to do their stuff. Is that good work?

SCARBROUGH: Yes. Most of the time, it is.

SAGAL: Yeah? And do you do any contracting or building yourself?

SCARBROUGH: No, I prefer to have all 10 fingers.

SAGAL: Yes, I understand.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Well, welcome to our show, Josh. Bill Kurtis is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly in two of the limericks, you'll be a winner. You ready to play?

SCARBROUGH: Yes, sir.

SAGAL: All right. Here's your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Core values, this game will dislodge all. Quit throwing so hard at my crodge, y'all.

(LAUGHTER)

KURTIS: While some sports make humble, this makes the world crumble. Let's banish the savage game...

SCARBROUGH: Dodgeball.

KURTIS: Yes.

SAGAL: Dodgeball, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

KURTIS: Very good.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: A team of Canadian sociologists, who clearly enjoyed junior high school, say dodgeball is a, quote, "tool of oppression" that, quote, "encourages students to aggressively single others out for dominance and to enjoy that exclusion and dominance as a victory," which is also how you win at dodgeball.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They argue that dodgeball is morally flawed and harmful to the social development of children. What they failed to mention is that if you throw the ball at the right angle, it'll bounce right in front of the guy across from you into the perfect crotch shot. Ten points for Gryffindor.

(LAUGHTER)

ADAM BURKE: You know these people who always talk about getting rid of aggression or competition in schools? Don't they always sound like aliens that are trying to take over the world in 20 years'...

SAGAL: Yes.

BURKE: ...Time? It's like, yeah, your children are way too good at defending themselves.

SAGAL: Yes.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: They need to be passive and peaceful. Here, Josh, is your next limerick.

KURTIS: We got tired of cafes that have cats. We think rodents are better for chats. Over whiskeys and beers, they lend whiskers and ears. Our bar lets you drink with live...

SCARBROUGH: Bats?

SAGAL: Not bats. No wings.

SCARBROUGH: So they're not flying bats. Rats.

SAGAL: Rats, yes.

KURTIS: (Laughter).

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Rat Bar is a new bar in San Francisco that offers customers a chance to drink with live rats. And it's definitely not just a bar that had a rat infestation and had to come up with an excuse.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: It opens this month and will offer a booze-fueled history lesson about San Francisco's past. And then you get to go drinking in a room full of rats that you can touch and hold.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: That's right, touch and hold. What a deal.

(LAUGHTER)

MAZ JOBRANI: It's right next to Cockroaches Tacos.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Here's your last limerick, Josh.

KURTIS: Good for underwear-line vigilantes. They were once made for grannies, not aunties. These high-waisted briefs seem a little massif, but the kids now all wear granny...

SCARBROUGH: Oh, man. You're going to make me say panties.

SAGAL: Yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

KURTIS: You got it.

SAGAL: If you like your panties like you like your grandma - high-waisted and hanging out at Walgreen's - then you will love...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: ...This season's hottest lingerie trend - granny panties. The frumpy underpants exploded in popularity when a photo of Rihanna wearing them went viral. Young women flocked to buy the cavernous intimates while others patiently waited for grandma to die in hopes of an inheritance.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Other celebs flaunting the full granny panties include J-Lo, Kendall Jenner and Angela Lansbury.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Ironically, your actual grandma is now sporting a crotchless thong, so...

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Funny how that works.

KURTIS: Oy.

BURKE: It wasn't crotchless when she first got it.

SAGAL: I know.

(LAUGHTER)

JOBRANI: Those darn rats.

(LAUGHTER)

SAGAL: Bill, how did Josh do on our quiz?

KURTIS: Three for three, quite a win.

SAGAL: You got all three right. You won, Josh. Congratulations.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Thank you so much for playing. Pleasure to talk to you.

SCARBROUGH: Thank you again.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF SONG, "LOOK AT GRANDMA")

UNIDENTIFIED SINGER: (Singing) Look at grandma doing her thing. Look at grandma with that diamond ring. Look at grandma... Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.